yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
