Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
They are going to name an STD after you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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