I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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