Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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