When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
