There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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