if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just want nice things and good sex
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