is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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