My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
