My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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