She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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