I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
