I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
