I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This toilet bowl is my home.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
