I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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