my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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