the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
