I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
