The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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