You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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