too bad you live with your parents still
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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