My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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