hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
