the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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