Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
