everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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