My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize