she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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