things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Even my vagina gasped.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
