take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
