Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
