I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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