Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
