it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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