if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
