Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
