someone threw a dead crab at me
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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