You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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