is your mom at the bar?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
