all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
