Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
