I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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