the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
