oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
