Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
