we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is my gift to your gina
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
