I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I can't turn off my feet"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i think i just lost a toe
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize