Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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