Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
