the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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