Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
