How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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