i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
