Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
