Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
