I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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