the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
