I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My dick has a subreddit
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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